I've never felt strong. Being here in Florida, out of my comfort zone, really hits that home. The person who knows me best was worried that being here alone, working alone, and taking classes that barely meet was going to send me further down a path of isolation that I was well on my way to before I left. She was right.
I'm used to being alone, most of the time I actually prefer it. My social anxiety encourages it. People terrify me. I can't do a lot of things that normal people do, I can't even call to order a pizza. I gave up dating ages ago because I'm so darn awkward. Back in the day, when this guy I adored first put his hand on my arm I screamed, "Don't touch me!". He was crazy enough to keep trying, but most won't and shouldn't. Besides, they don't even get that close anymore. I hide when I see people on whom I have crushes. Literally, I hide. I duck around a corner, I put a book in front of my face, I burrow a quick hole, I'll do anything to get away.
I don't mind the idea of never finding the "love of my life". I'm happy being single, an unattainable crush is just perfect for my needs (I could use one of those), but I'm not happy being completely alone out here. I know eventually I will make friends, but it's hard to imagine that right now.How can I make friends when I have no social outlets that force me to make them? I used to look down on all those people who would join the ISO for friends, they were so easy to spot. They dripped pathetic. Now I am one of those people. I was actually considering heading over to the next "I'm a born-again-hardcore-Christian-reformist-spineless-should be kicked in the face by Trotsky" Socialist Party meeting to get to know some people.
What the fuck? What have I become? I will not be this person! As I drove around Tampa today, lost as all hell, I rediscovered my love for the Gorilla Biscuits.
I will Start Today.
Okay, maybe tomorrow, and, oh yeah, not the drinking part.
I am done with this line though. No more talk about San Diego, loneliness, badmouthing Florida. I'm done. I may not be here for long, but I will have fun while I'm here.
On a contradictory note (and for the picture of the day), my creepy neighbor came by to see if I'd like to come over and have some "coffee". I literally looked like this, but with a scowl not a smile:
Can you say Lhasa Apso? Can I spell it? At least that's one problem solved. I don't think he's coming back.
2 comments:
If it makes you feel any better, I made some neighborhood friends at Scolari's whilst getting shitfaced.
I'll probably never call them.
Scolari's-- that's just the sort of place I need to find. There's nothing like a crappy band, a bar fight, and a cracked out 60 year old bartender to bring people together.
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